The key is ... in the ignition

• "OK, the car key goes here, and you turn it this way to start the car -- YES! Now, if i remember watching Mom, I put the car in gear and start cussing at the other drivers."
• I've got the steering wheel and ignition down -- man, if only my feet reached the pedals!"
• "I'll hide my Mom's keys in the ignition — she'll never think to look for them here."
• "OK, now I've got the keys in the car, all I have to do is hit the door locks, and I'm good for several hours of peace and quiet, all by myself."

Box on

• "Some parents put unruly kids in a corner, others in another room. My 'time out' is in a cardboard box."
• "All I need is someone to put a lid on me, wrap me up, stick on the appropriate postage and mail me to Provo, Utah."
• "Mom, Dad, this isn't what I had in mind when I asked for my own room."

Out and about

• "Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty! Ready or not here I come — wait, you guys just don't get the concept of 'hide and seek,' do you?"
• "Maybe if I continue to pretend I'm asleep or play dead, these guys will leave me alone."

• "Oh, Mom! I'm not even 14 months old, and I've been infected with girl cooties. I'm gonna die young, aren't I?"

• "I was hoping these would say "Magic Marker" or "Sharpie" or "permanent" — darn! Oh, well, I'll keep practicing my autograph just the same."

• "OK, Grandpa, I'm here to work on the gopher problem you've got in the backyard."
• "Hey, Mom, this gives me an idea how to handle my dirty diapers in the future."
• "I'm gonna see if I can rent this next weekend and take it out to the beach!"
• "I'm doing everything that Uncle Braden showed me last time he took me out for a ride in the car — all the way on the gas pedal, ignore the brake pedal, crank up the stereo and wave at the babes. The only thing different for me is I'm putting my hands on the steering wheel!"

Pumpkinland!

• "That's what I'm telling you, Mom. All these guys are my friends. And they all have the same name — Jack O. Lantern. And they all have the same blank look on their faces because somebody buried them up to their necks in this field. Really — you've got to believe me!"

• "Run for the car, Mom! I'm pretty sure I saw some of those bigger pumpkins start to roll toward us."

• "And now for my next number, I will recite an original poem:

The creepy, cutie spider — by Carter Jensen

The creepy, cutie spider crawled up the pumpkin stem,

Down came the rain and washed him off again,

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,

And the creepy cutie spider? I hissed and squashed him dead.

• "Nope, not gonna look or smile until you get that bigger pumpkin I wanted."
• "Hey, Mom, isn't that our car rolling out of the parking lot over there?"

• "OK, I'll tell you what I'm thinking — if this guy doesn't get his arm off me soon, he'll be pulling it back with teeth marks all over it. I'm telling you, I need my personal space!"
• "Wait! We haven't all decided which of the three cameras to look at yet!"

'Leaf' me alone

• "Mom, I swear if you let go of my feet, I'll never again . . . Mom? Hey? Hey! No! Don't do it! MOM! N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o . . . [thud]"

• "Put them back — PLEASE?"

• "Hey, this one isn't done — it hasn't turned a color yet."
• "OK, little friends, I'll tell you a scary story, called 'The Night of the Rake, the Leaf Blower and the Plastic Bags.' Stop me if you've heard it before."

TV land

• "Must ... not ... blink. ... Can't afford to miss one televised moment of 'The Wiggles.' "
• "No, Mom, my eyes are not glued to the TV — I'm sitting at least three feet away from the screen."
• "Gotta hear it one more time to have the number memorized — '1-800-GET-CATS to order your own pet kitty.' OK, got it — and I'm ready to call as soon as I find Mom's cell phone. And not only am I going to get one for me, but I'll order one as a surprise for Mom and two for Dad."

Nets preseason

• "Hmmm, I wonder if we're sitting in the Nets' fans section where we get to wear bags over our heads."
• "I could get more excited if we were here to see 'Melo — I'm a card-carrying member of the 'Carmelo Anthony Fans of Utah,' you know."

"I think someone's trying to give me an official Nets wedgie here, aren't they?"

• "Hey, I'm holding out for the 'Kiss Cam' with that babe back there!"
• "I refuse to have my face appear next to any beer advertising."

Beach bum — West Coast style

• "Yeah, Dad, I buried your wallet and I think it's right here . . . no, maybe there . . . wait, it could be there . . . oh, I can't remember for sure now."
• "Oh, gross, I found someone's foot. Oh, never mind, it's mine . . . Oh, gross, there's wet sand all over MY foot." (from Mitch)

• "Two boards? Oh, it's in case I fall off the first."
• "I don't know which one will get here first — one of my parents to pull me out in the water, the next high tide to reach me here or maybe Christmas!"
• "Where's the steering wheel, ignition and car seat on this thing?"
• "Of course I can see why they call it a 'boogie bored' if this is all it does."
• "Me likes to sit upon two boogie boards . . . it keeps the sand from gettin' in me britches." (from Mitch)

• "Uh, Dad, isn't that our rental car rolling down out of the parking lot and toward that cliff over there?"
• "Um, is it just me, or is that a Baskin Robbins over there?"

• "Oh, yeah, Mom, then the car started rolling down that way and was headed for the ocean out there, and Dad was just kinda frozen in his tracks and not knowing what to do. But I crawled over to the moving car, climbed in and threw on the parking brake before it was too late. A hero? Oh, no, not me! Just doing my part to keep our vacation expenses down."
• "Where's the Statue of Liberty out in the water? . . . You know, the lady that holds the torch like this and the book like that." (from Mitch)

A Mickey Mouse vacation

• "The happiest place on earth? Grandma Taylor told me to tell you that is when I'm in Provo, Utah."
• "So the slogan is 'Dreams Come True,' huh? Is this Disneyland or Napoleon Dynamite-land?"

• "Oh, yeah, Mom, I heard that noise come from Mickey, too!"
• "No, seriously, Mom, I don't see Mickey Mouse having a tail, do you?"
• "Yeah, Mom, I think the costuming is a little over the top, too - kinda a cross between 'Beauty and the Beast,' the Mad Hatter and The Artist Formerly Known As Prince."

• "Hey, you'd cower too if you were next to some creature in purple and orange clothes, with ears bigger than my head and eyes that never blink. And I STILL haven't seen a tail on the mouse."
• "Bummer, I was hoping for a visit from Cinderella — and maybe a smooch, too."

• "Come on, Mom and Dad, go find your own rocket to ride in. This is a little too cramped with three — besides, it's hard to pick up babes at Disneyland when your Mom and Dad are hanging around too close."
• "If I steer this rocket ride just right, will you let me pull the rental car out of the parking lot by myself on the way home tonight?"

• "Not feeling too good after going round and round for hours on all the rides ... feeling a little queasy ... a little sick to my stomach ... come here, Mom ... I think I'm gonna ... RRRRRRRRR!"
• "Please, Mom! I want you to take me on the carousel next! Dad keeps putting me on the pink ponies!"

• "Oh, I'm just waiting for the fireman to slide down."
• "Dang, this is attached at both the top and the bottom. I was hoping the bars would loosen up and we'd have a carousel ride like in 'Mary Poppins.' "

• "Uh, this is even scarier than the 'Mr. Toad's Wild Ride' thing that Braden warned me about."
• "I'm thinking I'm going to have horrific nightmares for the next three straight weeks — like at about 2 AM every morning."

• "Quit your complaining, lady, I'll have this wheel's tread removed in no time."
• "I'm taking a correspondence course to be a trained NASCAR pit crew member."
• "Hey, which Disneyland ride is this?"
• "So, you'll swap me this cool wheelchair for my stroller, if I toss in my mom's purse? Deal!"

• "Uh, excuse me? We spend a day at Disneyland and you think it's time to get all cuddly and close together? Actually, this was going to be a 'guys only' shot in front of the teacups."
• "Listen, Mom, I'll stop being mad and start taking to you again as soon as you let me go on the Matterhorn — by myself."

Shop-o-rama

• "Hmmm — ride this or Grandpa's luggage? Not much of a choice is it? Maybe I'll call him 'Samsonite' — you know, just so Grandpa doesn't feel too bad."
• "I love going down the toy aisles with Grandma. Usually I'm stuck in the grocery story with my mom - and you can get so excited about canned food for only so long."
• "I think I've found a winner for next year's family reunion barrel races in Idaho."
• "I'm certain Roy Rogers got his start this way -- finding Trigger in his shopping cart."

• "Just like certain parts of your tongue are more sensitive to sweet, sour and salt tastes, there are certain parts of your body that are most sensitive to softness — such as the top of one's head. Seriously, try it."
• "See, Mom, I learned this watching the Discovery Channel. If you're ever attacked in the wild by a large grizzly bear ... like this ... all you do is assume the fetal position and play dead ... like this."
• "Mom's had me in this shopping cart for hours . . . so, so tired . . . can't lay back in the wire seat . . . must find something to rest my head on . . . mmmmmm . . . zzzzzzzzz."

September funnies

• "This is just like riding horses with Mom in Utah — except if I fall off, I'm much closer to the ground."
• "See, Grandpa, you really could have fit me in your carry-on when you went on your cruise."
• "The only thing that could make this any better is if I was riding this on the luggage carousel at the Newark airport!"

• "We've got a secret and we're not telling — OK, we will. We hid our moms' car keys in the dishwasher."

• "I'll tell you what's so funny — I can't even read, but I sure as heck know that Nets fabric behind me is hanging upside down!"
• "Let me scream it out one more time in case you didn't hear me — IT'S 2:30 IN THE MORNING AND I'M LOVIN' LIFE. HOW ABOUT YOU?"
• "Stop me if you heard this one ... A young mother comes into her infant son's bedroom and asks 'What is this strange child doing in the crib?' And her husband replies, 'Well, dear, you did ask me to change the baby.' "

Chowing down

• "What? Mom's cooking tonight and it's time for dinner? Just a minute."
• "Yummmm, tastes like chicken."
• "The pediatrician said I needed more minerals in my diet."

• "You mean this isn't chocolate pudding?"

Hangin' out

• "Hey, Dad, those aren't the words Mom uses when she's driving."
• "Umm, turn right here. ... Watch the car at the intersection. ... Hey, hey, hey - goin' a little too fast, aren't you? ... Watch the light, it's turning ... Turn signal, please ... What, Mom? Oh, no, your driving doesn't bother me at all, why do you ask?"
• "Wait! That's the third McDonald's you've passed, and I've got a hankerin' for a Happy Meal!"

• [Quietly to myself] "Hmmm, just what do you do when the conversation lags? Talk about awkward."

August in Jersey

• "Oh, guys, I wanted nachos"
• "Yeah, this is OK, but I think I could have even more fun watching the Rockies."

• "Mom, I could see better if you didn't put block my view with your arms."

• "You think that went far, Dad, how about watching this (lolli) pop fly!"

• "Oh, yeah, everybody's pretty pleased that I'm eating watermelon with a fork by myself . . . but wait until they see what I did with all the seeds."

• "You think I'm making a mess now, just wait until you see what I can do with a baked birthday cake."
• "Grandma knew best to hold on tight because I have a tendency to dive into chocolate cake batter."

• "Dad, I may be only one year old, but I'm smart enough to know my favorite birthday cards are the ones that have cash or checks inside."

• "No, I'm not messy with my birthday cake and getting it all over me -- I'm just saving some for later, you know."
• "How am I going to learn to eat with utensils if you don't give me a little freedom to explore with my food."

• "Get OSHA on the phone pronto! They're giving me a hair cut, I'm sitting in the sink and I've got electric clippers right in my grasp."

• "Here's my favorite knock-knock joke, Grandma. Knock, knock . . . Dwayne . . . . Dwayne the sink, I'm dwowning."

• "I can't tell what bothers me more - that Mom gets more candles on her cake than I did last week, or that by the candle count, she's only 13 years old."
• "You saw me and my birthday cake - just think what I could do with this one."