The key is ... in the ignition

• "OK, the car key goes here, and you turn it this way to start the car -- YES! Now, if i remember watching Mom, I put the car in gear and start cussing at the other drivers."
• I've got the steering wheel and ignition down -- man, if only my feet reached the pedals!"
• "I'll hide my Mom's keys in the ignition — she'll never think to look for them here."
• "OK, now I've got the keys in the car, all I have to do is hit the door locks, and I'm good for several hours of peace and quiet, all by myself."

Box on

• "Some parents put unruly kids in a corner, others in another room. My 'time out' is in a cardboard box."
• "All I need is someone to put a lid on me, wrap me up, stick on the appropriate postage and mail me to Provo, Utah."
• "Mom, Dad, this isn't what I had in mind when I asked for my own room."

Out and about

• "Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty! Ready or not here I come — wait, you guys just don't get the concept of 'hide and seek,' do you?"
• "Maybe if I continue to pretend I'm asleep or play dead, these guys will leave me alone."

• "Oh, Mom! I'm not even 14 months old, and I've been infected with girl cooties. I'm gonna die young, aren't I?"

• "I was hoping these would say "Magic Marker" or "Sharpie" or "permanent" — darn! Oh, well, I'll keep practicing my autograph just the same."

• "OK, Grandpa, I'm here to work on the gopher problem you've got in the backyard."
• "Hey, Mom, this gives me an idea how to handle my dirty diapers in the future."
• "I'm gonna see if I can rent this next weekend and take it out to the beach!"
• "I'm doing everything that Uncle Braden showed me last time he took me out for a ride in the car — all the way on the gas pedal, ignore the brake pedal, crank up the stereo and wave at the babes. The only thing different for me is I'm putting my hands on the steering wheel!"

Pumpkinland!

• "That's what I'm telling you, Mom. All these guys are my friends. And they all have the same name — Jack O. Lantern. And they all have the same blank look on their faces because somebody buried them up to their necks in this field. Really — you've got to believe me!"

• "Run for the car, Mom! I'm pretty sure I saw some of those bigger pumpkins start to roll toward us."

• "And now for my next number, I will recite an original poem:

The creepy, cutie spider — by Carter Jensen

The creepy, cutie spider crawled up the pumpkin stem,

Down came the rain and washed him off again,

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,

And the creepy cutie spider? I hissed and squashed him dead.

• "Nope, not gonna look or smile until you get that bigger pumpkin I wanted."
• "Hey, Mom, isn't that our car rolling out of the parking lot over there?"

• "OK, I'll tell you what I'm thinking — if this guy doesn't get his arm off me soon, he'll be pulling it back with teeth marks all over it. I'm telling you, I need my personal space!"
• "Wait! We haven't all decided which of the three cameras to look at yet!"

'Leaf' me alone

• "Mom, I swear if you let go of my feet, I'll never again . . . Mom? Hey? Hey! No! Don't do it! MOM! N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o . . . [thud]"

• "Put them back — PLEASE?"

• "Hey, this one isn't done — it hasn't turned a color yet."
• "OK, little friends, I'll tell you a scary story, called 'The Night of the Rake, the Leaf Blower and the Plastic Bags.' Stop me if you've heard it before."

TV land

• "Must ... not ... blink. ... Can't afford to miss one televised moment of 'The Wiggles.' "
• "No, Mom, my eyes are not glued to the TV — I'm sitting at least three feet away from the screen."
• "Gotta hear it one more time to have the number memorized — '1-800-GET-CATS to order your own pet kitty.' OK, got it — and I'm ready to call as soon as I find Mom's cell phone. And not only am I going to get one for me, but I'll order one as a surprise for Mom and two for Dad."

Nets preseason

• "Hmmm, I wonder if we're sitting in the Nets' fans section where we get to wear bags over our heads."
• "I could get more excited if we were here to see 'Melo — I'm a card-carrying member of the 'Carmelo Anthony Fans of Utah,' you know."

"I think someone's trying to give me an official Nets wedgie here, aren't they?"

• "Hey, I'm holding out for the 'Kiss Cam' with that babe back there!"
• "I refuse to have my face appear next to any beer advertising."

Beach bum — West Coast style

• "Yeah, Dad, I buried your wallet and I think it's right here . . . no, maybe there . . . wait, it could be there . . . oh, I can't remember for sure now."
• "Oh, gross, I found someone's foot. Oh, never mind, it's mine . . . Oh, gross, there's wet sand all over MY foot." (from Mitch)

• "Two boards? Oh, it's in case I fall off the first."
• "I don't know which one will get here first — one of my parents to pull me out in the water, the next high tide to reach me here or maybe Christmas!"
• "Where's the steering wheel, ignition and car seat on this thing?"
• "Of course I can see why they call it a 'boogie bored' if this is all it does."
• "Me likes to sit upon two boogie boards . . . it keeps the sand from gettin' in me britches." (from Mitch)

• "Uh, Dad, isn't that our rental car rolling down out of the parking lot and toward that cliff over there?"
• "Um, is it just me, or is that a Baskin Robbins over there?"

• "Oh, yeah, Mom, then the car started rolling down that way and was headed for the ocean out there, and Dad was just kinda frozen in his tracks and not knowing what to do. But I crawled over to the moving car, climbed in and threw on the parking brake before it was too late. A hero? Oh, no, not me! Just doing my part to keep our vacation expenses down."
• "Where's the Statue of Liberty out in the water? . . . You know, the lady that holds the torch like this and the book like that." (from Mitch)