December 2010 — Carter in Utah: Quiet time with the Taylors

• "Grandpa, if we watch the 'Elmo had four ducks' video on YouTube one more time, I can break my all-time single-day record of 47."
• "Oh, so this is what an ESPN web page looks like that DOESN'T have any mention of the New Jersey Nets. Interesting!"
• "All these old images you have on iPhoto of what my Mom looked like when she was my age is starting to scare me."
• "You know, Grandpa, if all I had to do was lay around in bed, read books and look at the laptop, I think I could go for some back surgery myself."

• This "brown bear, brown bear, what do you see stuff?' is OK, but what I'd really like to do is be back with Grandpa in his bedroom on the laptop."
• "Come on, Auntie Bree, you can't fool me — you're just trying to get me to fall asleep for the night. There is nowhere on any of these pages that it says, 'Carter . . . you are feeling tired . . . you are getting sleepy . . . close your little eyes . . . ' "

• "No, Grandma, you've got it all wrong — the Eentsy-Weentsy Spider went like this up the waterspout."
• "Well, this is all well and good, but I'd really like to see if Grandpa is watching those Elmo videos back on his bed."

December 2010 — Carter in Utah: Kissing the sleepers

• "Okay, Taylors, let me show you again how I've learned it from Dad and Mom. You pretend you're asleep, and I pretend I'm the prince waking up with a kiss Sleeping Beauty — and Dad, in your case, I'll make an exception. The best part is that while you've had your eyes closed, I've pilfered through your pockets, wallets and purses for loose change, so I really love this game."

• "Excuse me, Auntie Bree, but I've got this really bad runny nose and am wondering if you can help me find a Kleenix after I 'wake you up' with my kiss."

• "Uhhhhh, so tired . . . can't seem to keep my eyes open . . . but must not fall asleep . . . because . . . I worry Braden will try to play the sleepy/kissy game with me."

December 2010 - hanging around

• " 'Uh, roger, Houston, Astronaut Carter Jensen here in the command module. All the systems and signals are a 'go' and we're ready for countdown to blast off on the first space mission to Mars. But, uh, wait, Houston, my Grandma's at the module door wanting to say goodbye.' "

• "Hey, Dad, there's plenty of exposed skin up front and I'm not getting any warmer. How about a re-wrap job?
• "Excuse me, but age one is NOT to early to start taking about modesty. How about some help covering up - - and get that blasted camera out of here. This ain't no free peep show!"

• "OK, let's see, that's one ornament behind the couch, one in the produce bin in the refrigerator, oh and the one in the toilet, another in the glove compartment of Grandpa's truck, that one buried out back with the tulip bulbs . . . let's see, what's another surprise I can leave everyone?"

• "During lunch last week with my stockbroker, we opted to invest in the Walt Disney Company, which together with its subsidiaries is a diversified worldwide entertainment company It's the second-largest media conglomerate in the world, behind Time Warner, and the world's seventh most valuable brands. Relative to other businesses, Disney is more insulated from the general economic . . . hey, look what happens when you touch that red stuff and I twist this green thingy!"

• "Santa Claus nothing — I believe in Elmo!"
• "Here's the thing — I thought I heard a voice in one of the packages under the tree. So I took off the bow and the wrapping and out popped Elmo! But to explain how the other five packages got opened — I got nothing."

December 2010 — Chores

• "Honest, Mom, I was just minding my own business as I was walking past this open box, and all of a sudden all these packing peanuts jumped out and started attacking me. No, really!"
• "Just great! All I do is scatter a handful of styrofoam peanuts around the living room floor, and I've been been grounded to do a lot of chores, . . .

• " . . . first, my mom made me vacuum the whole house . . .

• ". . . and then she made me bring in and stack all the wood for the wood-burning stove . . .

• " . . . and finally — and this one I don't understand — she sent me out to the backyard to pick up all the leaves. Man, I'm praying for a big snowstorm soon to cover these all up."

November 2010 - shoe time

• "Uh, Mom? How small do they make odor-eaters?"
• "No shoe laces? No Velcro? How helpless do my parents really think I am?"

• "Hey, Dad . . . Mom just said something about sticking your foot in your mouth. Need a shoe?"

• "OK, that was loud enough. But how much do you think you'll scream this time when I hold your shoe this high over my head and drop it on your big toe?"
• "Hey, Mom. Since you and Dad both ran for BYU, does that mean I inherit your athlete's feet?"

November 2010 - out and about

• "So many swings, so little time."

• "No, I am NOT going to play aliens in the flying saucer with you."

• "He grabs the loose ball, turns, dribbles down the court and — pardon the pun — leaves the rest behind."

• "Hey, why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? "

• "How am I expected to sneak up on the squirrels when with every step I take, there's a crackling sound?"

• "So this is early morning seminary? Wow-de-dow, please put me back to bed and let me work on my beauty sleep."
• "So, where are the Krispy Kremes Mom promised me if I came to seminary?"

• "No, Grandpa, I think the coach ought to go for two if they score a touchdown here."
• "Hey, hot dog guy! Two with the works over here — and charge it to the big guy behind me."
• "Yeah, I'm trying to watch the football game, but I think the head cheerleader's still winking at me."

November 2010 - 'to top it off'

• "Am I feeling sick and lethargic today? No, Mom, to tell you the truth, I'm just bothered by the fact that you'd stick this silly cap on my head that makes me look like I've been swallowed by some Japanese anime dog, with my face sticking out of the pooch's mouth. I'd rather stay strapped in the stroller and hide rather than get get made fun of by all the other kids in the park. So, I'll just hang out here, thankyouverymuch."

• "Of course, I can't run away with embarrassment because I can't even walk yet — but if I could I would. So, maybe I'll just crawl away instead and hope nobody notices me in this canine cap. In fact, if they do see me, I hope they confuse me with some stray dog and I can live another day with my reputation intact. Arf, arf, arf!"

• "Listen, Mom, how can I play it low-key and not get recognized if you keep following me around, taking pictures? And, try this, maybe you can call me 'Spot' or 'Prince" instead of 'Carter" — especially if you're thinking of us ever coming back to this park in my lifetime!"

November 2010 - doctor's visit

• "Oh, no, Mom, I'm always thrilled to come to the doctor's office, to get my clothes stripped off me, to get put up all by my lonesome on some table and then to get poked and prodded by someone I don't even know."
• " 'Are we having fun?' If this is so much fun, why aren't you up here instead of me?"
• "What do you mean, you've got to take my temperature?"
• "I was worried I was in for some shots, but thank heavens they're only talking about 'injections,' 'inoculations' and 'vaccinations.'
• "Where would I like it? Oh, about three weeks long in Utah this summer? What? Oh, I thought you said 'vacation,' not 'vaccination.' "
• "Wait a minute — that's not a needle, that's more like a javelin!"
• "Before we get started with this needle thing, I'd just like to tell my mom that we're going to have some serious trust issues after this. Yes, some serious trust issues, I say."

November 2010 - cell-phone photos

• " . . . one, two, fwee, fouw . . . one, two, fwee, fouw — I think there's four leaves here, but only because I can't count any higher."
• "You know, Leaf, you looked much prettier up in the tree."
• "It looks and feels crunchy — I wonder how it tastes?"

• "I feel like an umpire at a baseball game — 'Batter up!' "
• "You say it tastes even better when it gets cooked in the oven? No way!"
• "My tongue feels like it's trying to get the batter to break out of jail."
• "Maybe if I twist it just right, I can get the whole thing in my mouth."

• "The bad thing about some of these sipper-cup lids is that you can't see what you're drinking. Who knows — this could be something my mom has left lying around for days, and I might end up chugging a cup of curdled milk."
• "I tried to make my own breakfast drink today. The milk comes out of the sipper cup just fine, but for some reason I'm not getting any of the Cheerios."

• "My philosophy: why dirty up a clean glass when you can go direct to the source."
• "It's all right, Mom — I see Dad do this all the time."
• "You think this with the juice jug is startling, you ought to see what I've done with the margarine!"
• "What's this new word you're saying . . . 'backwash?' "
• "I'm thinking they ought to see M&Ms in these kinds of plastic jugs."
• "Oh, you think you're bothered by this sight — just wait until I tip the jug up high!"

October 2010 - Halloween party

• "Call this my 'playing career baby steps' — before you can walk out onto the court, fill the lane on the fast break or run out of the tunnel, you've got to first learn how to walk. And I'm learning in style!"
• "Hey, Dad, this is how I'm gonna celebrate my first 'monster jam' — of course, I'll need a vertical leap even higher than my height right now, won't I?"

• Wow, now that's what I call a headband — I wonder how that would fly in the NBA?"

• "OK, everybody, party's over — time to put up the chairs and tables and clear out. Me and the guys have a little hoops to play.

• "OK, OK, enough of the jokes. I mean, really now, have you seen my grandpa?

October 2010 - Hangin' around

• "Dang, I'm having a hard enough time trying to reach the turn signal, to say nothing about the shift stick or the pedals."
• "Hey, those buttons and knobs look like they need to be pushed and turned. I'm sure my parents won't mind — and they probably won't notice, either."

• "Now all I need is a little strapping tape, a little postage and someone to write 'Taylors — Provo, Utah' on the top."
• "They say you need a little creativity in your playtime, so today I'm pretending to be a packing peanut — a very, very big packing peanut."

• " 'Hey, warden! Warden! I want to complain about the conditions and workload in the slammer here. I wanna talk to my lawyer — do you hear me, warden?' . . . uh, Mom, I was talking to YOU!"

• "Oh, yeah, I feel a whole lot safer up here from the neighbor's dog and the squirrels across the street — DO YOU HEAR THAT, SPOT? DO YOU HEAR THAT, SQUIRRELS? I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU NOW!"
• "Sorry, Tex, I'd like to be helping you buck the hay bales, but you see I'm too short to get out of the truck."

• "So, if I continue to play cute for the camera, does that earn me an extra cookie or a handful of M&Ms?"

October 2010 - NYC photo shoot

• "Hey, cue up the BeeGees and I'm John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever' . . . (singing) 'Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man; no time to talk — ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive!' "

• "Yeah, Dad, just think — pretty soon I'll be walking on my own, then running around on my own, and you'll be trying to reach down and catch me. Yeah, that'll be fun, won't it, Dad? Right, Dad?"

• "Hey, Mom, I'll be you didn't think I could whistle and shout 'Taxi!' the first time I tried, did you? And did you see the dirty look the taxi driver gave you?"

• "Uh, think about it for a sec, Mom — don't you think a back scratch would feel better if you used your fingers? I mean, I'm just saying."

• "Help, Dad, please — I think they're going for one of those mushy, cuddle-with-Mom shots again."

• (singing) " 'Everybody look left, everybody look right, everywhere you look I'm standing in the spotlight . . . oh, I just can't wait to be king!' . . . . Oh, yeah, I'm ready for Broadway, baby!"

• "That's more like it, a little more Carter-time with the camera."

October 2010 - Eat it!

• "Yeah, Grandma, sometimes when I play with my food, I use it to see what I might look like in the future . . . so, what do you think I'd look like with a goatee? And in a second I'll show you what I'd look like with chest hair."
• "You guys promised I'd get a large cone — this one appears more on the small-to-medium range."
• "Wait a dog-gone minute — someone's been sampling my cone . . . . Oh, uh, I guess it was me. Nevermind."
• "Hey — I don't see any artificial coloring or additives and I don't taste any artificial flavoring? What kind of dessert is this anyway?"

• "Hey, camera guy, if you make them hold this pose another 10 seconds, I'll be able to finish off my grandma's cone without her noticing!"

• "So, Mom, that little tantrum I threw in the grocery store's bakery section turned out OK didn't it? I mean, that's all in the past — forgive and forget, right? Mom? Mom? Uh, Mom?"
• "Of course, I enjoy the free bakery samples when we go to the grocery story, but I was really hoping the guy in the meats section was going to grill me up a nice, juicy steak!"