Funny

• ". . . and then when Mom said that at the dinner table, I laughed so hard that milk came out my nose."
• " Stop me if you've heard this one, Dad. It cracks me up every time I tell it. A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says, 'There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.' "

Things looking up?

• "Yeah, this may be a new photo angle for you, but it's pretty much more of the same for me, Mom, just having to look right up your nose."
• "Shoes? Really, Mom? Shoes? You got me all excited by talking up our shopping trip today, and it's shoes? And I've got nothing here that says 'Playskool" or "Fisher Price" or "Mattle" or "Little Tykes" or "Legos" or "XBox"? Really? Just shoes?"
• "Yeah, I just heard the announcement over the store speakers, too - 'Clean-up on aisle 14.' Sorry about that. My bad."

You shop 'til I drop

• "Why am I smiling? I'm just planning ahead some of my grocery store tactics I'll use today — smiles in the fruit section of the produce area, tantrums in the vegetable section, and an assortment of pointing, grabbing, begging and pleading in the cookie/cracker/candy aisle."
• "Look - I can drive this shopping cart with my eyes closed!"
• "Just warning you, Mom, I have a tendency to get cart-sick when I'm sitting backwards and being pushed around."
• "I'm happy now, but if you spend more than 10 minutes inside, I'll be screaming my head off."

It's an apple, Jack

• "With all five of my teeth, I ought to have this apple finished off by, say, next Thursday."
• "Hey, Dad, you may be able to make a spoon stick onto the end of your nose, but see what I'm trying."
• "Joey said last week he got a bean stuck up his nose, so I'm just going one up the food chain, if you know what I mean."
• "I'm trying to put together a 'snowman' costume for this Halloween, but my parents couldn't break down and buy me a carrot."
• "Joey said last week he got he whole fist stuck inside his mouth, so I'm just trying to one-up him, if you know what I mean."
• "Yeah, yeah, the roast pig on the spit at the luau had an apple in its mouth just like this."

Sweet as candy?

• "You know, if this was Grandma helping me, she'd have the candy unwrapped and already in my mouth. Just sayin' "
• "I don't know what gets me more excited, the crinkly foil wrapper or the sticky, gooey chocolate."
• "Wait a minute! This has bite marks on . . . Hey! Did you sample this already?"
• "Actually, I really had a hankering for a plate of nachos from that boardwalk cafe."
• "Hey, this is mine! Get your own, Mom!"

Surf's up - and I'm out

• "Uh, Mom, this is a new, strange sensation -- you know, being in the water with clothes on."
• "Come on, Mom! All I did was whistle at the babes walking along the beach, and all of a sudden you douse me in the ocean for 'time out' to cool me off!"
• "Dad, you know what word I would say if I could talk? SHARK!"
• "You know, Dad, Mom's gonna see this picture later and ask why you didn't crop out the bikini babes in the background."

The great outdoors

• "Ah, nothing like sitting in the shade on your mother's lap and daydreaming ... of Utah ... and mountains ... and the Jazz ... and chasing kitties ... and making faces at Uncle Braden ... ahhhh, the good life."

• "Tah-daaaaaah! Yes, I'm sure this is how escape artist Harry Houdini got his start — popping out of the child-restraint belts in his stroller and wriggling out of his constrictive clothes."
• "So, a funny thing happened when I went looking for used baby strollers. The salesman asked if I was interested in a stripped-down model . . . so I undressed myself down to my diaper. Ha, ha, ha! Thankyouverymuch. You've been a great audience — I'll be here all week, and don't forget to tip your waitress."
• "They don't call me 'Wrong-Way Jensen' for nothing."
• "Some people like to see where they're going. I'd rather see where I've been."

• "Come on, Mom! What gives? No other kid I knows gets fed chocolate pudding by his mother flinging it from 15 feet across the room!"
• "Waaaah! Help me, Dad! Mom won't let me play 'earthworm' any more."
• "Hey! Taking all the 'nakey' photos of me are bad enough - but I consider this a real 'dirty picture!' "
• "I don't know what hurts more — face-planting into the dirt, or the fact that my parents just spent the last minute laughing at how I look."

Pool time is cool time

• "Just wondering, how do you turn on the jacuzzi jets?"
• "And I want the inflatable recliner here, the diving board over there and all-time access to a sipper-cup bar."
• "Actually, Mom, you can't really call this a 'swimming pool' - there isn't enough water or space to do any swimming. And it's not a 'wading pool,' either - seeing as I can't walk yet."

• "I'm Hans and he's Franz and we're here to pump you up, you girliemen you." (some of you may be too young to understand the old Dana Carvey/Kevin Nealon sketches on Saturday Night Live.)
• "I'm Georg Festrunk and this is Yortuk and we are two wild and crazy guys. My brother and I are from Czechoslovakia, even though no one can tell. We escaped during the '75 riots by throwing many rocks at a Russian tank. We ran from it to come to America. We are two swinging guys who enjoy many things and can do them all the time. We are always looking for some fox-y American girls. So now you know! Ha, ha! Don't mention it!" (some of you may be too young to understand the even older Steve Martin/Dan Aykroyd "Two Wild and Crazy Guys" sketches on Saturday Night Live.)
• "Hurry and take the photo, Mom, 'cause I've been sucking in my gut for about 30 seconds now!"
• "Yes, you could call us a 'boatload' of trouble."
• "I have this strange, new sensation — that I've been put into water without being totally naked. What's up, Mom? A new trend, or losing your touch?"

• "So, what gives? There's a huge pool over there, and we get thrown into the little plastic jobbie here."
• "Keep a forward focus. I told you before, when you're kids our age in a pool, you DON'T want to look to see what you might have left behind."

All in the family

• "The best things about family gatherings . . . family BBQs!"
• "I've spent the past half-hour trying to teach my cousins how to do the wave — but they just can't seem to catch on."
• "Woo-hoo! We're playin' 2-on-2 basketball, and I get the tall cousin — we'll call ourselves the Jazz!" (from Mitch)

• "What?!? The barbecued pulled pork is all gone?"
• ". . . and they were making fun of my wave!"
• "Boo hoo! I get the short cousin, 10-foot rims, and we have to be the NETS!" (from Mitch)

• "OK, OK, stop with the hugs and I'll give you your horse back. Geesh, sorry!"
• "Hey, personal space! I need some. Fast!"
• "No, I think you misunderstood me - I said horse 'races,' not 'embraces.' "
• "So, this is what they call a 'horse collar'?" (from Mitch)
• "And if she makes it any tighter, I will be HOARSE!" (addendum from Scott)
• "OK, all right already! You can have your stupid horse, and I'll just play with the dumb space race car dude . . . gosh!" (from Mitch)
• "Mom, she's doing it again — could you please tell her 'I don't hug cousins!' " (from Mitch)

Ring-side

• "CAGE MATCH! Let's get ready to r-r-r-r-umble! Watch me crawl up to the top of the corner and jump off like the professional wrestlers do!"
• "Don't fence me in!"
• "Let my people go!"
• "We're playing a new game I just made up called 'Zoo Animals.' And we think it's now feeding time at the zoo - how about some peanuts for us?"
• "I'm tellin' ya, I didn't do it, man. I think it was the other guy — yeah, he knocked over the bank ..." (from Mitch)

Wrasslin'

• "You think this headlock is something, you ought to see 'the four fingers of death and opposable thumb' that Grandpa Taylor taught me."
• "Say Uncle ... Braden! Say it!"
• "Ha! Pinned you - I win and I get to stay up an extra 30 minutes past my bedtime tonight. And no, we're not going to do 'best-of-three'."
• "Ewwwww - bats in the cave, Dad!" (from Mitch)
• "I think I've got this MMA thing down. Only one question — what do I do with the hand growing out of my head?" (from Mitch)
• "I can give bear hugs . . . and lyin' hugs." (from Mitch)

Water fodder

• "It's true — my parents seem to think that whenever I'm around water, I need to end up naked. They hear the kitchen faucet on - the clothes get removed. Sprinkers on - diaper off."
• "You know, if in about a couple of years I end up naked and splashing in the sprinkler on my own, I don't think my parents will consider it to be that cute."
• "If you're going skinny-dipping, shouldn't there be enough water to 'dip into'?"
• "I must have water-soluble clothes — any sign of water, and my clothes just disappear!"
• "Seriously, this is how Michael Phelps got his start?" (from Mitch)
• "Look, Ma, I'm a night crawler after a rainstorm!" (from Mitch)
• "I'mmmmmm baaaack!" (from Mitch)
• "Ummm, rock. There's a rock. Ummm, help, there's a rock?" (from Mitch)

A New York state of mind

• "S0, what you're telling me, Dad, is on the other side of this water lies the evil empires of the New York Yankees and New York Knicks? Oooh, it makes me shudder with fear."
• "OK, now that we've seen New York New York, can we move on to Excaliber, Luxor and Mandalay Bay?"
• "That side looks a lot bigger and more expensive than this side here, doesn't it?"
• "Hey, I see water AND my clothes are still are on. What's up with that?" (from Mitch)
• "In da big city, where do youse guys paak ya caa?" (from Mitch)
• "No, really, Dad. It's safe to go to New York — that Steinbrenner guy's not there any more." (from Mitch)

Beach time

• "Yep, right there. If Mom finds her keys missing, you can tell her I buried 'em right there!"

• "And I proclaim this 'Carterlandia' . . . now, if only I had some kinda flag to stick into the ground!"
• "Hey, cousins. Remember the phrase, 'no man is an island.' Hey, guys! Please?"
• "Moat dug — check. Hmmmm . . . give me a minute, guys, the apple juice hasn't kicked in yet." (from Mitch)

Crib notes

• "I can see that my complaints to Mom and Dad about a total lack of headroom and leg space have once again fallen on deaf ears!"
• "If I lay like this, I can easily invite six of my buddies over for a slumber party next weekend!"
• "Look here, Mom and Dad, if I sleep in this corner, I still have enough room for that hi-def TV, XBox console and popcorn popper I was telling you about."
• "This is what happens when Mom makes the end pads out of Velcro!"
• "These prison bars won't hold me forever. If I lay like this and pretend to be asleep ... she'll come over and I can surprise her. I'll get the lady, you get the keys — OK, Mr. Paws?" (from Mitch)

Balloon boy

• "I can't wait to get home and have Larlee suck out the helium and say something funny in a squeaky voice!
• ""Hey, Mom and Dad! Tie another hundred or so of these balloons to my arms and I'll bet I can beat you home."
• "You think this is fun, you ought to see me if you'd give me something that really moves around, like a puppy or a kitty!"
• "Little boy blue come blow . . . up a balloon?" (from Mitch)
• "If my hot outfit doesn't impress the ladies, maybe this balloon will!" (from Mitch)

Water-works REVISITED

• "They call me MISTER BUBBLES!"
• "I like playing in the water, splashing with all the bubbles and suds and . . . wait a minute, what do you mean about not putting any soap in this pool water?"
• "Suit? I don't need no suit. I'm too tough for a suit. All you're gonna get is my birthday suit, so there - and don't even get me started on shoes." (from Mitch)
• "Look, ma! I'm a Navy SEAL, going commando!" (from Mitch)

Tool time

• "Ummm, Grandpa, I go a whole lot faster when Mom puts me the stroller for a jog."
• "When I said I wanted to play 'NASCAR,' this isn't quite what I had in mind."
• "We make such a great duo, we ought to sign up to compete at the ward's Pioneer Day picnic — you know, in the wheelbarrow races.
• "I was just thinking, if we filled this up with water, I could travel in style — my own mobile swimming pool!"
• "I may smell a little stinky right now, just don't compost me." (from Mitch)
• "A riding lawnmower is what I asked for." (from Mitch)
• "Take me to my room and feed me grapes." (from Mitch)

Shore 'nuff

• "No, Aunt Larlee, I am not a 'beach baby' . . . I'm a sand-MAN!"
• "Hey, I'm just getting a feel what it's gonna be like to have hair on my chest. OK, stubble on my chest."
• "Sand? Chest? No, this is just the crumbs from the sand I ate." (from Mitch)

• "Come on, Mom, how am I gonna be able to be able to chat up the babes on the beach when I've got my mother sitting right next to me?"
• Body surfing on the sand just isn't the same, Mom. All the other boys are riding the big waves, MOM!"

• "Watch those guys playing football farther down the beach . . . Go! Go! Go! Touchdown!"
• "Hey, ice cream guy! Over here!"
• "Who you calling 'crabby!' " (from Mitch, "only funny if you see his shirt")