Carter in Grouse Creek

• "Come on, guys. It's a cowboy kerchief, not a scarf."
• "You think those animals look big to you, try it from my ground-level view."
• "Whoa! Did you see all that that came out of the end of that horse?"

• "I'm telling you, there's nothing like getting down and dirty, is there?"
• "That's what it's like for me, so what does it mean for you to be 'dog tired?' "
• "They tell me I'm going to ride a horse today, but you look more my size."

• "Guys, I want you to show me how you can run so fast on all fours. I keep getting caught by my mom — how embarrassing."
• "I don't see any hydrants around, so what do you guys do out here when you, you know, gotta go?"

• "No, really, Mom, he said he's never been to New Jersey and wants to check it out. Can we take him home? I'll take care of him. Really, Mom. And Dad would love him, don't you think?"
• "Wow, those are big dog tags they have out here."
• "Hey, Mom, we've been trading — I shared some of my fruit snacks with him, and he gave me some of his fleas."

• "You know, Grandma, most people don't want to pick me up when they hear I have 'dirty pants.' "

• "You know, I think I could look like a much tougher cowboy if I didn't have my grandma hanging on to me, thankyouverymuch."

• "Whoa, Grandma, did you see what you just stepped into there? Keep me away from that."

• "To quote my Auntie Bre, 'Can her walk? Does her swim?' "
• "I'll bet I can beat her in the Grouse Creek foot races and win a quarter!"

• "If this here be a 10-gallon hat, pardner, then I must have me a 6-quart head."

• "Horsepower, huh? Dad says his car has several hundred of that, and this thing ain't even going nowhere."

• "They said I get to be a real cowboy today. Then they don't give me any boots. I can't wear a hat. I've either got my mom or my grandma hanging all over me. And then they don't even let have the reins. Some cowboy, huh? But I'll still give them my best 'True Grit' or Louis L'Amour look for the camera. Just not so tight, Mom, please?"

Funny

• ". . . and then when Mom said that at the dinner table, I laughed so hard that milk came out my nose."
• " Stop me if you've heard this one, Dad. It cracks me up every time I tell it. A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!' The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says, 'There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.' "

Things looking up?

• "Yeah, this may be a new photo angle for you, but it's pretty much more of the same for me, Mom, just having to look right up your nose."
• "Shoes? Really, Mom? Shoes? You got me all excited by talking up our shopping trip today, and it's shoes? And I've got nothing here that says 'Playskool" or "Fisher Price" or "Mattle" or "Little Tykes" or "Legos" or "XBox"? Really? Just shoes?"
• "Yeah, I just heard the announcement over the store speakers, too - 'Clean-up on aisle 14.' Sorry about that. My bad."

You shop 'til I drop

• "Why am I smiling? I'm just planning ahead some of my grocery store tactics I'll use today — smiles in the fruit section of the produce area, tantrums in the vegetable section, and an assortment of pointing, grabbing, begging and pleading in the cookie/cracker/candy aisle."
• "Look - I can drive this shopping cart with my eyes closed!"
• "Just warning you, Mom, I have a tendency to get cart-sick when I'm sitting backwards and being pushed around."
• "I'm happy now, but if you spend more than 10 minutes inside, I'll be screaming my head off."

It's an apple, Jack

• "With all five of my teeth, I ought to have this apple finished off by, say, next Thursday."
• "Hey, Dad, you may be able to make a spoon stick onto the end of your nose, but see what I'm trying."
• "Joey said last week he got a bean stuck up his nose, so I'm just going one up the food chain, if you know what I mean."
• "I'm trying to put together a 'snowman' costume for this Halloween, but my parents couldn't break down and buy me a carrot."
• "Joey said last week he got he whole fist stuck inside his mouth, so I'm just trying to one-up him, if you know what I mean."
• "Yeah, yeah, the roast pig on the spit at the luau had an apple in its mouth just like this."

Sweet as candy?

• "You know, if this was Grandma helping me, she'd have the candy unwrapped and already in my mouth. Just sayin' "
• "I don't know what gets me more excited, the crinkly foil wrapper or the sticky, gooey chocolate."
• "Wait a minute! This has bite marks on . . . Hey! Did you sample this already?"
• "Actually, I really had a hankering for a plate of nachos from that boardwalk cafe."
• "Hey, this is mine! Get your own, Mom!"

Surf's up - and I'm out

• "Uh, Mom, this is a new, strange sensation -- you know, being in the water with clothes on."
• "Come on, Mom! All I did was whistle at the babes walking along the beach, and all of a sudden you douse me in the ocean for 'time out' to cool me off!"
• "Dad, you know what word I would say if I could talk? SHARK!"
• "You know, Dad, Mom's gonna see this picture later and ask why you didn't crop out the bikini babes in the background."

The great outdoors

• "Ah, nothing like sitting in the shade on your mother's lap and daydreaming ... of Utah ... and mountains ... and the Jazz ... and chasing kitties ... and making faces at Uncle Braden ... ahhhh, the good life."

• "Tah-daaaaaah! Yes, I'm sure this is how escape artist Harry Houdini got his start — popping out of the child-restraint belts in his stroller and wriggling out of his constrictive clothes."
• "So, a funny thing happened when I went looking for used baby strollers. The salesman asked if I was interested in a stripped-down model . . . so I undressed myself down to my diaper. Ha, ha, ha! Thankyouverymuch. You've been a great audience — I'll be here all week, and don't forget to tip your waitress."
• "They don't call me 'Wrong-Way Jensen' for nothing."
• "Some people like to see where they're going. I'd rather see where I've been."

• "Come on, Mom! What gives? No other kid I knows gets fed chocolate pudding by his mother flinging it from 15 feet across the room!"
• "Waaaah! Help me, Dad! Mom won't let me play 'earthworm' any more."
• "Hey! Taking all the 'nakey' photos of me are bad enough - but I consider this a real 'dirty picture!' "
• "I don't know what hurts more — face-planting into the dirt, or the fact that my parents just spent the last minute laughing at how I look."

Pool time is cool time

• "Just wondering, how do you turn on the jacuzzi jets?"
• "And I want the inflatable recliner here, the diving board over there and all-time access to a sipper-cup bar."
• "Actually, Mom, you can't really call this a 'swimming pool' - there isn't enough water or space to do any swimming. And it's not a 'wading pool,' either - seeing as I can't walk yet."

• "I'm Hans and he's Franz and we're here to pump you up, you girliemen you." (some of you may be too young to understand the old Dana Carvey/Kevin Nealon sketches on Saturday Night Live.)
• "I'm Georg Festrunk and this is Yortuk and we are two wild and crazy guys. My brother and I are from Czechoslovakia, even though no one can tell. We escaped during the '75 riots by throwing many rocks at a Russian tank. We ran from it to come to America. We are two swinging guys who enjoy many things and can do them all the time. We are always looking for some fox-y American girls. So now you know! Ha, ha! Don't mention it!" (some of you may be too young to understand the even older Steve Martin/Dan Aykroyd "Two Wild and Crazy Guys" sketches on Saturday Night Live.)
• "Hurry and take the photo, Mom, 'cause I've been sucking in my gut for about 30 seconds now!"
• "Yes, you could call us a 'boatload' of trouble."
• "I have this strange, new sensation — that I've been put into water without being totally naked. What's up, Mom? A new trend, or losing your touch?"

• "So, what gives? There's a huge pool over there, and we get thrown into the little plastic jobbie here."
• "Keep a forward focus. I told you before, when you're kids our age in a pool, you DON'T want to look to see what you might have left behind."

All in the family

• "The best things about family gatherings . . . family BBQs!"
• "I've spent the past half-hour trying to teach my cousins how to do the wave — but they just can't seem to catch on."
• "Woo-hoo! We're playin' 2-on-2 basketball, and I get the tall cousin — we'll call ourselves the Jazz!" (from Mitch)

• "What?!? The barbecued pulled pork is all gone?"
• ". . . and they were making fun of my wave!"
• "Boo hoo! I get the short cousin, 10-foot rims, and we have to be the NETS!" (from Mitch)

• "OK, OK, stop with the hugs and I'll give you your horse back. Geesh, sorry!"
• "Hey, personal space! I need some. Fast!"
• "No, I think you misunderstood me - I said horse 'races,' not 'embraces.' "
• "So, this is what they call a 'horse collar'?" (from Mitch)
• "And if she makes it any tighter, I will be HOARSE!" (addendum from Scott)
• "OK, all right already! You can have your stupid horse, and I'll just play with the dumb space race car dude . . . gosh!" (from Mitch)
• "Mom, she's doing it again — could you please tell her 'I don't hug cousins!' " (from Mitch)